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Post by MARUMARU ITSUKI on Jun 13, 2012 21:23:33 GMT -5
He was close. Probably a little too close; because all of a sudden things were feeling quite awkward, and it probably had a lot to do with the fact that Itsuki was now practically forced to look at the blonde, and see exactly what he was feeling. This wasn't fair - what a cheap, dirty tactic! How was he meant to remain emotionally distant when the physical distance was practically gone? Kou was cheating.
But while all of this should, really, have made Itsuki feel more sympathetic, it actually had the opposite effect - because yes, he did feel cheated, and no, he didn't think he owed anyone anything.
"Kou, did you fail biology? Or have you just never been sick before? Because being around people was the last thing I wanted." Oh no, he was raising his voice again. But whose fault was that? It certainly wasn't his. He wasn't the one who couldn't let go of the past! "Maybe I could have given you a chance, but you know, I had other things on my mind." Again his hand went to his shoulder, and he couldn't keep looking at Kou in the eye anymore - his gaze fell, but only for an instant, because he hadn't quite finished making his voice heard.
"I wasn't alone, I had... I was surrounded by people, all the time, constantly, do you really thing I would've welcomed another nosy, pushy someone constantly getting in the way?" He had been about to say 'I had Ayato', but got the feeling it wouldn't have gone down too well. Not that what he'd said would improve things, anyway, but it still probably wasn't a good idea to bring up how much he trusted his brother in comparison to everyone else in the world. Might tread on a few toes, with a statement like that.
"And you know, you've had all the time in the world to find me. It's not like I left the country." He said so rather bluntly, but he knew it wasn't fair: just a word to Ayato and he knew his brother would make it extra hard for anyone to find him. "I couldn't go back, Kou, I knew how people were talking about me. The sixteen year old kid who got wasted and nearly killed himself. I wanted a fresh start, and that went for everything."
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Post by aislinn01 on Jun 13, 2012 21:37:33 GMT -5
my heart is your home ,
THIS HEART IT BEATS, BEATS FOR ONLY YOU; MY HEART IS YOUR HOME It wasn't like Kou wanted the entire world or anything like that. In fact, when he took a moment to think about what he did want from this whole ordeal - twisting his heart, ripping apart and all that - he didn't think it was much at all. He didn't even really want an apology; all he wanted, he guessed, was to have Itsuki back in his life, sappy as it sounded. Was that too much to ask for?
And a desperate, dark part of him thought, who would you have if you didn't have him?
It was much easier to imagine life without Itsuki when you didn't have to be around him. But this little run in today had left Kou's mind reeling, remembering, sort-of, what things had been like. What life with Itsuki was. They didn't bicker half as much or near as bad as this was, but then again, they hadn't really needed to bicker at all back then. They had been friends back then. They hadn't been enemies.
"Why don't you just say it?" Kou demanded. "Instead of beating around the bush, just say it. You didn't want me around. Isn't that what you're trying to get at?" He pulled back, just enough to take in a deep breath - because the words coming out of his mouths surprised himself, leaving himself feeling a little wounded. Isn't that what people said, though - that your own worst enemy was yourself? You knew all the right ways to hurt, where everything cut the deepest, what things to say to inflict the most damage. And Kou had hit himself in the worst spot.
His face drained of color a little bit. "Wait, I just-" His eyes were distressing. "I mean, is that what you wanted?" He asked finally, regaining the ability to speak, language gracing his tongue once more. "Did you really hate me that much?"
The words felt weighted on his tongue; they hurt to come out, but he felt there may have been some truth in them. What other explanation was there?
A little quieter now, the anger draining to be replaced by something akin to numbness, he rubbed his neck and looked at the ground. "They were talking about you like that, you know," he said, quietly. "You're right about that. But I told them to shut their faces and they did, eventually."
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Post by MARUMARU ITSUKI on Jun 13, 2012 22:25:32 GMT -5
It... it wouldn't be right for him to admit it. That he didn't want to see anyone from that time ever again. But Itsuki was not one for lying - and at any rate, he couldn't think of an excuse that would be convincing. His eyes dropped again - he couldn't look at Kou and say it. It was one thing admitting such things to yourself, and a whole different one to actually say them aloud.
"...yeah. That's pretty much it. I didn't want you around." He wasn't yelling this time. He wasn't even talking particularly loud. No, instead his words were muffled, as if he could barely bring himself to say them at all. "It wasn't because I hated you, or anyone else. I hated how stupid I was and I had to get away from that." It had all seemed perfectly logical at the time. It all seemed perfectly logical now, even. Why would he want to stay that stupid kid? Why would he want to stay around the people who encouraged that stupidity? It all seemed to make sense to him - he couldn't really see why Kou was getting so worked up about it. Unless he was missing a point, somewhere, that he owed it to the people in his life to be more... sincere towards them. But Itsuki highly doubted that saying 'sorry, I hate you all and the lifestyle you represent' back then would have done much good.
"But... thank you, I guess." He hadn't thought anyone would stick their neck out for him, though; sure, friends would tell people who knew shit all about something to keep their noses out of it, but he had kind of felt that those same friends would be the ones propelling the rumors in the first place. Oh, not maliciously of course - but through smaller things, teasing little comments, and of course others would pick up on that and then it'd all just snowball in to hell. Because in a place like this, any misconduct would not only talked about and frowned upon, but judge him from all levels of society - he remembered how hard it was for Ayato, arguing with principals and vice-principals of just about every school in the city, looking for a decent one that would be willing to accept an apparent delinquent.
"I - I caused everyone too much trouble. It was better to just disappear."
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Post by aislinn01 on Jun 14, 2012 1:24:20 GMT -5
my heart is your home ,
THIS HEART IT BEATS, BEATS FOR ONLY YOU; MY HEART IS YOUR HOME An eddy of emotions were whirling through Kou's mind. He couldn't quite sort them out; this was the perfect time for Itsuki to come and throw things up in the air, wasn't it? Just as his life was beginning to calm down and he was getting back into the swing of things, this happened. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to deal with this. He didn't get a lot of experience with this whole broken friendship thing, you know, not having had a whole lot of friends in the first place. It was a bit limiting sometimes, but he much preferred the solidarity - most of the time, anyway.
"You caused more trouble," he began, quietly, "by disappearing and never coming back." Kou paused. This was getting tiring. He felt like a broken record, trying to get his point across, not being able to fully understand Itsuki. He rubbed his eyes and made a little noise, thoroughly frustrated and exhausted - and it was only halfway through the work day. He still had three shows at least to do, not to mention ground maintenance.
"Listen," Kou said, "I couldn't possibly understand what you went through. I haven't ever gone through it myself." As a whole, Kou's life had been generally unexciting; graduate high school, get job at Zoo, present. His brothers were the ones who were high success stories, graduating college with honors, getting jobs as doctors and lawyers and all of those things.
He looked up from where he'd been studying his shoes, jamming his hands pack into his pockets and looking uncomfortably vulnerable. "But..." He took in a deep breath, as if preparing himself for something that was breaching the safety zone of his tiny social box. "But, I mean - I guess I just - I don't. Want you to leave again." Kou's expression was entirely shy, which was strange - when was he ever shy about anything? - and made him feel alienated. "Are you going to?" he asked after minute. "Leave again? Because I - I really wish you wouldn't. Even if you only stayed for a little while."
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Post by MARUMARU ITSUKI on Jun 14, 2012 2:20:45 GMT -5
It felt like they were just talking in circles - neither of them would budge, or admit aloud that maybe there was some room for compromise. Because there simply wasn't. Itsuki was in the right and nothing was going to change that - but being so close to Kou, and hearing what he said and seeing, with his own eyes what he was going though; well, maybe he could stop arguing for now. Because, well, he couldn't quite place it, but he didn't at all like seeing his friend (ex-friend?) like this, all demure and unsure about is words.
"You can see me, can't you? I'm not going anywhere." Maybe, if he'd said them several minutes ago, the words would've been spat out, harsh, but now they were softer. Almost... almost sincere. "I'm sorry, alright? But apart from changing schools, I never really left. And if it cut you up so much, then I guess... I guess we can hang out again." It was hard to get out those last words. Not because he didn't want to, but because he still wasn't entirely sure about what he did want.
He'd wanted to be left alone, to make a clean start. Now he was starting to regret some of the choices he had made - but at the same time, was all the more adamant in defending them. He was, to put it bluntly, confused. And in such a situation, it might be better to keep his options open, and not cut any more people from his life. Again.
"But don't expect me to come here every day, all right? Because I can't afford that." And maybe if you got to know the new me better, you'd realise I never really went anywhere. He didn't say that last part, because it would only start up the argument again, but he thought it loudly. Because he was still in the right.
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Post by aislinn01 on Jun 14, 2012 18:51:58 GMT -5
my heart is your home ,
THIS HEART IT BEATS, BEATS FOR ONLY YOU; MY HEART IS YOUR HOME There would be no easy recovery from this, Kou was sure. There was no tea-and-sympathy fix to this; like a bad break-up, it was going to take time. Time and a whole lot of dealing with the problems. But for now, he content to remain convinced that things could be fixed as easily as he wished. Forget underlying problems. Forget wounded feelings and things left unsaid and things said too much or too often. What was important now was that he had the chance to fix things, and he wasn't going to pass it up.
Before he could realize what was happened, a little laugh had escaped his lips. He glanced up from the ground to look in Itsuki's direction, rolling his eyes. "We don't have to hang out at the zoo, you know," he informed his friend (former friend? resent friend? He wasn't sure) with a tiny, tiny smile beginning to tilt the corners of his mouth. "Believe it or not, I only live here part of the time."
The blonde took a glance at his watch to discover that his lunch break was nearly over. With a sigh, he tucked it away and looked back over at Itsuki. "Alright, I have some hungry panthers to feed," he explained. "But, I mean - I do want to hang out again." He felt a little stupid saying it like that - like they were back in elementary school or something. "Why don't you leave a number or something at the front desk and ask them to put it in my box? Then I could call you tomorrow or something and we could figure out a time."
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Post by MARUMARU ITSUKI on Jun 14, 2012 19:11:46 GMT -5
He couldn't help but laugh. To be honest, Itsuki had thought Kou would spend all his time at the zoo, partly because it explained why they had never run across each other before, and partly because it seemed to suit him so well. His hair kind of made him look like a lion.
"Why don't I just give you my number now?" He said, still slightly chuckling, quickly writing the digits down on the edge of one of his notes, tearing that off and handing it over. He wasn't too keen on giving details to people he didn't have to - call it paranoia (which is exactly what it was, actually), but in all honesty, they had no right to know in the first place. "But you know I'm very busy these days, so if you can't get through don't go kicking up a fuss." Somehow, he sounded like a spoilt brat; the kind who was so busy with their own agenda that they were unwilling to take other people's in to account.
And in a way, that was kind of who he was. It wasn't his fault - Itsuki preferred blaming that on his brother, who did practically everything for him. But still, what he had said was true: and maybe he could knock back some study time to spend it socializing, but that would be irresponsible. Who said it was possible to be a good student and have a social life as well? No-one, that's who.
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Post by aislinn01 on Jun 15, 2012 10:21:22 GMT -5
my heart is your home ,
THIS HEART IT BEATS, BEATS FOR ONLY YOU; MY HEART IS YOUR HOME Kou gave a roll of his eyes - if he looked the other way and pretended like he wasn't infuriated, he could have fooled himself into thinking that he and Itsuki had stayed friends, were still friends; he could avoid thinking about how it felt like they were going to have to start over from scratch. When he thought about it like that - having to start from the very beginning - he felt a little hollowed out, like he needed to despair. How long would it take? Would they be old and gray before they came to the conclusion that they could be friends again?
But he wasn't going to worry about that now. Instead, he gave a little smile and took the paper, tucking it safely into his pocket. "Don't worry," he said, a little dryly, "I won't bother you more than once." But he wasn't too bothered by it, not really - because at least they were talking.
Pausing, a little hesitantly, he checked his watch - he really ought to get back to work. "Alright, I've gotta run," Kou said. "Thanks, Itsuki," he added, waving as he headed off. A small part of him told him to go back, go back and make him face it now, but he was much better at running from problems than confronting them.
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